it wasn't lemon gatorade
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
