I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
