yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
