well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
