This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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