there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
