and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
