he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
this is an emotional support booty call
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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