It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
