I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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