Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
