I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
