I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
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