A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
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