best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Randomize
