Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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