someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
