my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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