Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
