I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
