I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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