please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
my shit smells like andre
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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