You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
