Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
