I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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