i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
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