well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
