matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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