I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
You pole danced in your parka.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
