my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
