New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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