How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
