Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
