in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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