Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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