New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
