I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
