I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
