as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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