she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
