so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
where are you?
Hypothermia
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
