i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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