I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Randomize
