do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
