sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
