One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
