My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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