When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
They took my balls.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
