the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I accidentally had phone sex last night
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
