the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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